to hell and back
18 September 2008
...or How to Escape IKEA Before It Sucks the Soul From Your Body.
Most Americans, upon being born, thank their lucky stars for being born in the strongest, richest, freest nation on earth. But those of us who grow up to be designers often lament, "Why wasn't I born in Scandinavia?!" As we learn in architecture/art/industrial design school, those former Vikings have positioned themselves at the top of the design world.
Bringing their stylish wares to us tacky Americans, Swedes have set up IKEA- the paradise/hell of aspiring designers. Cheap, well-designed furnishings? There must be a catch!
well, there is... "The Store Experience"
IKEA is not Target- there isn't one in every town. You must make a hajj-like trek to the largest city of your region, far enough away that you have to make this trip count and buy EVEYTHING. Upon arriving, you saunter through a bunch of fake living rooms thinking, "My place is going to look AMAZING!" If you're a first time IKEA shopper, you may pick up a lamp and a nifty wine rack and call it a day. But the long-time IKEA addict goes for broke. Maybe you have to buy all the kitchen and bathroom cabinets for your new house (like me). Then you launch into a whole new level.
First, IKEA has you understand that you are buying WELL-DESIGNED and CHEAP stuff. CUSTOMER SERVICE is not part of the package. Employees will flee from you if they sense a question forming in your mind. Second, you have to do everything yourself. You want the aluminum doors with the horizontal cabinets? "Sorry our new hinges no longer work that way, even though we still have pictures of it in our magazine." You want birch faced lower cabinets? "We have 5 out 6 you need in stock." Do these handles work with these doors? "I don't know."
Once you get together your bible-sized order, you go to pick it up. This takes however long they feel like. God smiled upon us and it only took two hours. However, they will give you extra pieces you don't need, forget crucial pieces, until you have to unpack your car and go over the inventory bit by bit. After waiting in line again, you have everything you need (hopefully) because you have to do all this in one trip! Now you just pack your (Swedish) car in an intense life-size game of cardboard Tetris, and drive home slowly hoping you don't break an axle. 
Title of Picture: "I Heart Sweden ['s products]"
6 comments:
Yikes. Where's the closest one, Atlanta? There's an IKEA in Salt Lake, but I've never been. Even though it's only less than 2 hours away.
What a funny picture.
stan- no, it's more of a literal hajj- profound spiritual experiences and I circumnambulated the store for hours. vocabulary zing!
shauna- don't go unless you plan on making a lot more money to feed the addiction.
what? no mention of meeting up with your childhood friend and her totally rad son? :) Great seeing you. Glad I left you and Alice when i did...sounds like lunch with us was the highlight of the trip! yup, the rest of what you described sounds just like a "normal" Ikea trip...how sad is that!
i wanna see some pics of your place when you get all that installed!
Well-written blog there, bro! Very funny. And as Emily said, very familiar too some of us.
I'm amazed at your packing job and envious (I love making things fit so neatly). What's in the biggest box on top?
"hajj-like?" is that an ironic reference to reverse-colonization and muslim-scandinavian tensions? or is the word 'pilgrimage' just too familiar-sounding?